The Complete Guide of What Not To Do At Hogwarts: For Fangirls
by redheadedninja
Summary: The title says it all. WARNING! Contains Spoilers! Don't read if you haven't gotten past the 5th book. Also, the characters will be slightly OOC, doing things that they might not have in the canon universe.
1. Rule Number 1

**I'm sick and feeling a bit silly today. It caused me to think about what would happen if a fangirl was released on the Harry Potter world, after having finished the books, read different fanfictions, and watched the musicals. Hence, the Guide of What NOT to Do at Hogwarts: For Fangirls. :)**

**Disclaimer: Hogwarts and all it's lovelies are not my own. They belong to JK Rowling. Who completely encourages fanfictions, as I learned today. That woman is just a complete heap of awesome!**

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**Rule Number 1: I will not place trampolines along the outside walls of Hogwarts just to be on the safe side.**

"Place that big one right here!"

Severus Snape had been out collecting potion supplies in the Forbidden Forest and was now on his way back to the castle when he heard a female voice shouting out.

"Place those two smaller ones in those two inner corners there!"

Looking around, he saw a woman… no, a girl… directing about 3 or 4 men as they moved things around. Just _what_ they were moving, he couldn't tell. Walking closer, he saw that they were moving what appeared to be round platforms with a black see-through center. The girl, he noted, had red hair and was a little… plump. She was clearly not someone used to exercise, as already she appeared a little out of breath. Granted, she was shouting a lot, Snape thought. It's a wonder no one from inside had noticed her yet.

Becoming annoyed as he realized that the girl was having the men put the strange items around the outside of the castle and that about two dozen of them appeared to already have been placed, he walked up to her.

"And just _what_ do you think you are doing?" he growled from behind the girl.

Whipping around, her red hair flying, she looked at him with her mouth open. And then… she smiled at him. He had growled at her and was wearing a scowl. He was no one to be smiled at!

"Oh, don't get jealous Professor Snape, I'll take care of you next."

Caught off balance by this stranger knowing his name, it took him a minute to process what she had said. "Take care of me next? Are you threatening me?! Tell me what you are doing this instant, before I contact the Headmaster and floo call the Aurors!"

The men had stopped working and were just staring between him and the girl. He was furious looking, his jaw was clenched tight and he had balled his hands into fists. She, on the other hand, just stood there and smiled. She was acting like his reaction was completely expected and possibly endearing, he thought. It was completely infuriating!

"I'm doing this for the Headmaster. Just in case, you know." And with another smile and a wink, she turned her back to him and continued to direct the men around.

Flabbergasted, Severus continued his journey to the castle, deciding right away that he would go inform the Headmaster of the strange and unwelcomed girl. Perhaps she was telling the truth and acting on the Headmaster's orders, or it was more likely she was lying just to get him to leave. 'Well, it worked then. But not for long' he thought.

The last thing he heard before the castle doors closed behind him was the girl instructing the men to "move the extra-large trampoline directly under this tower". Shaking his head, he wondered what the heck a "trampoline" was.

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**I realize my characters will be a bit OOC. For example, I cannot see Severus just letting the girl continue her work but, in my story... he's not quite sure what to do.**


	2. Rule Number 2

**Because of all the Harry Potter fanfictions that I've read (and loved) I also wanted to try to include them in this story as well. But for this chapter, we have the StarKid Potter genius!**

**Disclaimer: It's all the genius of JK Rowling and StarKid Potter!**

**A special thank you to Galgalatz for being my story's first reviewer! :)**

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**Rule Number 2: I will not ask Dumbledore if he got my text.**

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True to his word, Snape headed for the Headmaster's office. One muttered phrase of "Pecan Clusters" later and he was headed up the stairs and knocking on the door in front of him.

"Ah Severus, what a splendid surprise! How is the school year treating you so far?"

"Headmaster, we haven't the time for chitchat. There is a girl outside the castle, lining it with _trampolines_" Snape said, quite proud of himself for making it sound like it wasn't one of the strangest things he had ever encountered. In fact, he sounded quite bored.

"Trampolines you say? Why on earth… well. We shouldn't be rude. Let's go introduce ourselves to her then Severus. Lead on." Snape turned and started back down the way he had come, the Headmaster following closely.

Walking through the castle doors, Snape looked around. Even though he was attempting not to appear frantic, he was finding this difficult to accomplish. He couldn't believe it. The girl was gone and the trampolines lining the walls were the only evidence that she had ever been there. Looking at Dumbledore in confusion, he started to head out into the courtyard, scanning it for the infuriating woman.

"Well, she appears to be gone Severus. But I must admit, I've never seen so many trampolines in one place before." Almost every square foot of ground at the base of the walls was covered with the infernal devices of varying sizes. "It almost looks like she's worried someone will fall off the castle" Dumbledore chuckled.

Taking out his wand, Snape prepared to banish the closest trampoline. "No! Stop! What are you doing? I worked really hard to get that trampoline in the perfect spot!" a voice cried, it's owner jogging into view. Stopping next to Snape, she tried to wrestle his wand out of his hand, in hopes of preventing disaster from occurring to her precious trampolines. Realizing that it was a futile task, the redhead stopped fighting for his wand and just took to glaring at Snape instead.

"Well Severus, she appears to be quite attached to them all. Although, I must say my dear, I am confused as to why you did this and very intrigued as to who you are."

"Dumbledore!" the girl said happily and as if she was greeting an old friend. "Did you get my text?"

Both wizards looked at each other in confusion. "Text?"

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**I never understood the authors that would beg their readers for reviews on their stories but, now I do! Tell me what you love, hate, or want me to do better/differently! I have a list (seriously, I created a list) of "rules" that I made that I will be turning into chapters, mainly so I wouldn't forget the random ones that would pop into my head :)**


	3. Rule Number 3

**Thank you for all the reading, reviewing, and following! I'm happy you all like this silly little thing :)**

**JK Rowlings owns everything!**

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**Rule Number 3: I will not hire a ninja to follow Dumbledore around.**

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"Yes, text. You didn't get it? Eh, oh well. You're here now. Did you require something Dumbledore?" the girl asked, looking directly at the headmaster.

"Require something?! Oh no, why would he _require_ anything?! You're only plaguing our castle with this… this… _foolishness_ and then have the gall to ask the Headmaster if he _required _something?! You are such a… a…"Snape trailed off, muttering to himself darkly, all the while staring at what was quickly become today's migraine. The girl leaned back on her heels, looking completely unaffected by his tone. In fact, Snape noticed, the redhead was trying her hardest not to laugh and had to resort to covering her mouth with a hand.

'Such a strange girl' the Headmaster thought. "The only thing I require my dear, would perhaps be your name. I sense that you don't plan on leaving our castle anytime soon and I would rather not have Severus… nicknaming you something unpleasant." At this, the girl's face became eager as she turned her head to Severus. "Really Professor? Do you really think he'd name me something terrible?"

"I have already named you something terrible! However, considering the Headmaster's close proximity, I shall not speak it out loud. But rest assured, I am screaming it at you repeatedly in my head." Snape didn't think it was possible, but the girl's grin widened even further. "Really?" she asked. "That's fantastic!"

Completely pissed now, Snape threw up his arms and exclaimed "Oh bugger it!" before turning on his heel and marching back to the castle.

Hiding a smile, Dumbledore watched curiously as the girl took out a small book and a muggle pen. Looking pleased with herself, she opened the book and made a mark on the first page. Tucking the book and pen back into her pocket, she smiled at Dumbledore. "My name is Mary. Mary Sue. I come from a long line of lawyers." Chuckling at her own little joke, she reached out her hand to shake Dumbledore's.

"It's delightful to meet you Mary. If I may be so bold but, what was that little book for?" Dumbledore asked as he started leading the girl to the castle.

"I'll tell you all about it later sir. First, however, we have something else to discuss." And with a whistle, she stopped the Headmaster from heading into the school. Suddenly, a figure appeared in front of them. The person, for Albus couldn't tell if it was a man or a woman, was covered from head to toe in black. The only thing that could be seen was the person's eyes and the upper half of the bridge of their nose.

"I hired you a ninja! I hope you don't mind. You won't notice him at all, he's very good at remaining undetected. At least, he got stunning reviews on Ebay, mostly 5 stars… Anyway, I promise he won't interfere with your business or get in your way. Plus, he's an excellent listener, aren't you Bob?" Bob the ninja simply stood there, watching them.

"Well, er, yes. Thank you Mary but, I don't require any assistance from a… well, from Bob. Really? His name is Bob?" Mary looked sheepish at the question. "Well… no. But I couldn't actually pronounce his real name and he's not much for talking. I couldn't keep calling him "ninja-boy" either, so I named him Bob. I've always wanted to meet a Bob…" she said, trailing off. "Anyway, let's go get some food, I'm famished!"

Suddenly, Dumbledore found himself being steered into the castle, towards the direction on the Great Hall; Bob trailed behind them, his eyes ever watchful, if not slightly amused.

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**I do hope everyone likes Bob :). I couldn't figure out a way for our dear little sue to prevent Dumbledore from being hit by an Avada Kedavra until it hit me. A ninja! ... she would find one on Ebay too... I hope no one thinks she's too silly. I mean, she is supposed to be slightly off her rocker. She just laughs at Snape when he looks like he's going to kill her for goodness sake lol.**

**Also, I was going to use my own name for the main character but, I decided to be unoriginal and call her Mary Sue. Mainly because, well, she acts like a Mary Sue even though she's a Muggle and most Mary Sue's have more magical power than Dumbledore, Gandalf, and Merlin combined. I know, I know, Mary Sue is a Muggle but, seriously, if anyone of us were thrown into the wonderful world of Harry Potter, I doubt we'd be anything other than Muggles too :(. And I am trying to be as factual as possible with this story. Obviously :)**


	4. Rule Number 4

**Thank you all for the wonderful reviews! I really appreciate them. Also, this chapter _might_ contain a little bit of OOC rage!Snape... is "rage!Snape" a thing or did I just make that up?**

While I did answer this question in a PM (as I prefer doing), I felt that Very Small Prophet's question also be someone else's so I thought that explaining here as well would be good :).

On the matter of Snape not knowing what a Trampoline is, I can only say that he doesn't know because he's never seen one before. He grew up poor and I doubt that A) his parents would spend money on one, or B) Snape would play on a trampoline owned by another kid. I really don't picture Snape doing much group playing. Yes, he could have seen one in a store when he was younger, but I doubt he asked what it was, nor did he really care. He strikes me more of a "Mommy, can I have this new book?" than a new toy-type of child. If that makes sense.

**Disclaimer: I'm only having fun, not making money. Everything belongs to JK Rowling, except for Mary Sue and Bob.**

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**Rule Number 4: I will not keep a journal of tally marks for every time I annoy Snape.**

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Snape looked up from his lunch just as Dumbledore and Mary walked into the Great Hall. 'Wonderful, he's invited her for lunch' he thought bitterly. Then his eyes widened in horror as he realized that every chair at the head table, for that was where all guests ate, was full.

Except, of course, the Headmaster's… and the one to his left.

Snape, feeling his right eye give a minute twitch, put his head on his left hand and started violently spearing his broccoli, as if it was the reason for his current predicament. One would almost say that he was pouting, which of course would be preposterous, as Snapes do _not_ pout. They cause people to shrivel up in fear with just a single glare. They were not bested by… by… children!

"Especially not trampoline-wielding children" he muttered. Looking up again, he realized that during his… he refused to call it an internal temper tantrum, no matter how much the term seemed to fit… 'emotional debate', the Headmaster and the bane-of-his-existence had reached the head table. The latter was in fact walking towards him with a pleased smile. She would have also looked quite proud of herself if she knew that she had beaten Harry Potter on being labeled as the "bane of Snape's existence" after only 30 minutes and half a dozen sentences.

"She always looks pleased with herself! I'll show her please... I'm gonna take her and 'please' her to pieces!" he muttered vehemently to himself. Then, realizing what he had just said, he gave her such a look of horror that it caused her to burst out laughing right on the spot. Snape then did the only rational thing he thought was left for him: he stood up as haughtily as he could manage, gave the headmaster a curt nod of acknowledgment, and then walked as fast as he could to the staff doorway and left.

Mary, still laughing and walking towards her intended chair, pulled out her little notebook and made another mark. 'I don't even know what caused that reaction' she thought, 'but I am taking _full_ credit for it'. In fact, she felt like she owed the entire school a bow, as everyone had watched in amusement as Snape made his hasty retreat. Which is something, she noted, he would have dearly hated. However, Mary resisted the urge and sat down.

"Oh Professor Dumbledore sir," she innocently called a few minutes later, "can we make this my permanent seat? I just love the view it provides of the entire hall and it really flatters the architecture sir. Honestly." This earned her an eye-twinkling smile from the Headmaster and even more confused looks from the faculty. Seeing the looks, Dumbledore decided that it was time to introduce the castle's young guest. Standing up, Dumbledore got the attention of the entire student body.

"I would like to introduce you all to Mary Sue. She will be spending an unknown length of time with us, helping Madam Pince in the library. I trust you all will treat her with the respect due to a professor, as I'm sure she will as well." 'Possibly' he added in his head. He also mentally congratulated himself on his quick thinking of what the girl would do all day. He hoped that Madam Pince's watchful eye would keep her out of further trouble... and Severus's hair.

Later that day, Dumbledore decided to check up on his Potions Master. 'He left the Great Hall looking like a pair of hellhounds were on his heels after all' Dumbledore reasoned. It was with that thought that he happened across the strangest sight of the day yet. Mary was standing outside of Snape's quarters, with a fist in her mouth and tears running down her cheeks. Fearing the worst, the Headmaster quickened his pace until he realized that Mary was listening to something and laughing so hard that she was crying. Clearly, the simple hand-over-the-mouth hadn't been enough of a barrier to stop her laughter. As Dumbledore stopped in front of her, he realized with a start just what it was she was hearing and laughing at.

It was Severus, ranting and raving with a passion that Dumbledore hadn't heard since man had been 20. Alternating shouts of how redheads were sent from the Devil himself to torture Potions Masters, curses of what _exactly_ he would do to said-infuriating redhead when he got her alone, and then a rather undignified screech of "Oh Buggering Hell, NOT LIKE THAT!" as if he were arguing with someone. The entire dialog then appeared to loop back around to redheads being sent from the Devil, which just continued the entire rant over again. The Headmaster also thought that he heard a noise which sounded suspiciously like a head being banged on a desk. Looking around, Dumbledore saw that Mary had collapsed from laughter and that she was once again holding her little notebook. However, the front page was covered in little black tick marks, as if…

"Are you making a mark for every time you annoy my Potions Professor my dear?" Dumbledore whispered to her, realization dawning on him. Mary looked up and nodded, tears of laughter still streaming down her face. "It… it got so…jumbled…" she started, trying to whisper through her laughter, which was near impossible, "that I had to start… making marks for every minute he ranted instead... He's been in there doing the same rant on loop... for the past 50 minutes." Gasping for air, she was finally starting to compose herself. "I almost feel like you should check on him… it can't be doing his blood pressure any good." She said, while wiping the tears from her eyes. Then, with a smile and a "Have a nice afternoon Professor Dumbledore", she stood up, walked around the Headmaster and headed back up towards the Great Hall.

Dumbledore glanced between his Potion Master's door and the hallway that the redhead was now travelling through, trying to decide if he really was willing to risk life and limb to reign in the younger man's temper. Quickly reaching a decision, Dumbledore chuckled and turned away, having decided that perhaps today would help the dark haired man unwind. 'At least,' he mused, 'he's not holding in his emotions like he normally does.' And with that thought, the older wizard left the younger one to his emotional fit, fully aware of Bob trailing after him in the shadows.

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**Just so every one is clear: I am a redhead! And I do not believe that redheads are from Hell or the Devil. I just found it amusing for Snape to rant about. So again... Me Ginger, no get angry! :)**

**I think this might be the last chapter where Mary Sue purposely torments Snape... ****Then again, he is pretty entertaining when he's turning a nice shade of purple...**

**I kept picturing Snape pacing in a circle, too angry with himself and the "redheaded chit" (OH! New rule Idea!) to really form coherent thoughts other than cursing like hell. I know he's normally a very composed man, but like I said, my Snape is OOC.**

**Reviews make me happy! **


	5. Rule Number 5

**Sorry for taking so long to update! Thank you to everyone who has reviewed and loved this story :). Hopefully I'll be able to get a couple more chapters out in the next few days.**

**Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns everything :). I only own our dear Mary Sue.**

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**Rule Number Five: I will not give Snape a can of "Serpent Repellent".**

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Severus groaned. His head was killing him, his mouth felt like cotton, and he didn't even want to open his eyes. He tried to figure out where he was; it didn't feel like he was lying on his bed at all. Deciding that it was worth the risk, Severus cracked open his right eye. It still took him a minute to realize that he had passed out in his arm chair by the fire place, the fire having gone out hours ago it seemed. Groaning again, he started attempting to stretch his tall frame out of the chair.

Standing up, he heard a knock at his door and his wards started alerting him to the presence of someone on the other side. "Bloody brilliant" he grumbled, expecting the worst. Opening his door, he realized that he had clearly _not_ been expecting the worst. In fact, he had completely forgotten that it _could have_ been this bad, for on the other side of his door stood _her_. Looking back, Severus realized that if he hadn't been so hungover, he would have slammed the door in her face. Instead, he just stood there, wondering how the hell she had found his quarters. He also realized that she looked quite serious and… dare he say... apologetic.

"I wanted to apologize Professor Snape, for causing you such obvious distress" he heard her say. "I'm not quite sure what I did yesterday to cause you to curse my name so terribly last night but, I wanted to make it up to you." Sererus noticed that she looked like she was trying not to smirk at her last sentence and was about to say so but she continued speaking. "I also realized that I never introduced myself either. My name is Mary Sue. May I come in?" Clearly he was under the Imperius curse he decided, for he had moved aside and let her enter.

Mary smiled and looked around the professor's quarters. It was nicely furnished, with a comfortable looking armchair over by the fire place. Book shelves lined the walls, filled with books but still managing to look neat and organized. There was also a loveseat off to the side, but close enough to the armchair to entertain guests. 'I doubt he invites over many people though" she thought, snickering as she sat gingerly on said loveseat. Snape sat in the armchair and watched her, wondering what she was going to do.

"Yesterday I told you that I would get to you next, did I not?" Mary asked him, watching as his face took on a furious look once again.

"I told you not to…"

"I'm not threatening you!" She cut him off mid-speech. "I'm helping you. Here!" She stood up and thrust something into Snape's hands.

He looked at it. It was a can with a bright green cap. Turning it in his hands, he found the label and read it out loud, an incredulous look on his face. "Serpent repellent: guaranteed to get rid of even a _Basilisk?_" Mary smirked and felt very proud of herself. "It's the best stuff out there Professor, it took me forever to find it and I want you to keep it with you all the time. Promise?"

Promise? She wanted him to promise her something? Looking at her, he noticed that she looked a little worried, perhaps thinking about what would happen if he didn't. Coming to a decision, Severus removed the garishly colored cap and noticed that the can had a spray nozzle. Smirking evilly, he looked at Mary and nodded slowly, before turning the can towards her and spraying her with the foul concoction.

Jumping up and screeching, Mary attempted to run from the room and the man that was now laughing manically after her, still spraying the dreadful stuff. Finally, she made it out of the room and down the hallway, with Snape slamming the door after her.

Coughing, (Gods, the stuff was potent, wasn't it?) Snape decided that he would indeed keep the can on him at all times… perhaps it would repel Potter as well.

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**I'm not quite sure what Mary was expecting, but at least Snape agreed to keep the can right? *laughs evilly***


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